


James Tiberius Kirk Hates Alfred Lord Tennyson

by Taverl



Series: Dead Poets Society [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers, Threesome - F/F/M, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-04
Updated: 2013-06-04
Packaged: 2017-12-13 22:13:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taverl/pseuds/Taverl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim believes it's better never to have loved at all and thinks Bones would be better off believing the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Jim is kind of a jerk here, but he means well. If it helps, I'm currently working on fic that fixes what I've broken. Promise! :)
> 
> Acknowledgements: Huge thanks to all the lovely Word Warriors at jim_and_bones for encouragement and support. Even more thanks and wine (lots and lots of wine) to ken_ichijouji and Ellie for sharp-eyed beta. Any and all mistakes are mine.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all."

Tennyson is full of shit.

Jim remembers when he first discovered the great poets. How their verses resonated with his 13-year-old self, whispered in his head and his heart as if their authors were speaking to him directly and not from pages written centuries ago.

So when he first read those words, Jim's head popped up and he opened his mouth to argue with the long-dead author. It was almost a surprise to find himself alone in his room.

Jim saw what loving and losing did to a person and lived with the effects every day.

He wanted none of it.

Despite his mother's sunny smiles and bright laughter, Jim had always seen the pain and grief underneath. It was in the way she hugged him and his brother too tightly for too long and ended every exchange, even screaming arguments, with a strained "I love you." Every word, every interaction with her sons contained an undercurrent of desperation and worry.

Fear colored every aspect of Winona Kirk's life because she'd lost the man she loved and now was terrified she would lose her sons. Even before they were adults, her boys had started to drift away, not because she was letting them go but because she was holding them too tight.

Fear of watching them run away from her led her to run away from them instead, leaving them in the care of an uncle who was indifferent at best.

Loving and losing had ruined Jim's life on the day it began and he was determined to avoid that pain at all costs. Casual acquaintanceships, one-night stands, never become involved, never get too close.

It's been Jim's mantra and has served him well for 22 years.

Then he meets a man who'd loved too much, lost too much too soon. At first, Jim thinks he's found a kindred spirit. A man who has learned Tennyson is a liar and has closed off his heart to prevent yet more cycles of love and loss.

But Jim has always been more observant than people give him credit for and it doesn't take him long to realize that, underneath the complaining and grumbling, lies the softest heart in the known universe. A heart that would willingly love and lose because its owner actually believes the words of a long-dead Brit.

Jim should run. He should get as far away as fast as possible, but it's already too late. He's already christened Leonard as "Bones," effectively claiming him as his own. He's already become more emotionally invested in another person than ever before.

And so begins the greatest relationship of Jim's life. A friendship built on grief and second chances, on shared laughter, shared secrets and, occasionally, one too many shared drinks.

Jim tells Bones about his mother with her desperate love and weekly calls filled with barely-concealed fear. About his strained relationship with his older brother and the tentative steps they're making to rebuild the bond they once shared.

For the first time in years, he even talks about Tarsus.

In return, Jim listens as he never has before. He hears stories of an idyllic childhood dominated by a strict but loving father and indulgent mother. Of a college infatuation that both parties mistook for love and that quickly devolved into hostility. He strains his ears to catch every whispered word telling him about a ruthless, incurable disease and the way it wrecked a man who'd once been his family's pillar of strength. He listens to the choked voice of his best friend explain how he'd destroyed his already-fragile marriage and damaged his own health in a frantic attempt to find a cure when so many others before had tried and failed.

He listens to Bones explain how he'd granted his father's last wish and helped end his pain.

Jim has never held anyone as they cried, but it feels natural to wrap his arms around Bones's wide shoulders, cradle the back of his head in his hand and let the other man weep. Jim feels his shirt get damp with tears as Bones buries his head against his shoulder and clutches at Jim's arms.

He has no idea how much time passes, but Jim suddenly realizes he's interspersing his gentle reassurances with equally gentle kisses to the top of Bones's head.

He is so fucked.

Fortunately, Bones soon stops crying and seems exhausted by his emotional outburst. He tries apologizing to Jim, who just waves him off and helps Bones take his shoes off and get into bed.

Once Jim is certain the other man is asleep, he slips out and makes his way back to his own dorm room. Taking the long way around campus gives him time to think and try to figure out how to deal with what's just happened.

As always, his first impulse is to run. Towards or away: that is the question. He rejects the idea of running away immediately. Not only would Bones just follow him, and probably kick his ass when he caught him, but Jim _likes_ having a best friend and doesn't want to lose him.

But running towards isn't a viable option, either. Jim knows his best friend is a good-looking guy and occasionally wonders what it would be like with him. But Bones has never hinted he wants anything more from their relationship than friendship and Jim is neither so desperate nor so sex-obsessed that he would risk what they have for a quick tumble.

So, if he isn't going to run away from Bones and he isn't going to run towards him, what other option does he have? He needs to run, because...well, because that's what he always does.

Jim has almost reached Ride Hall when he realizes there's another option he's never considered before: beside. He and Bones met when they were both running away and they've been running side-by-side ever since. Running the Academy gauntlet to be the top of their respective tracks. Running away from the administrative bullshit endemic to an organization as large as Starfleet. Running to keep up with students so much younger and more naive than themselves.

Standing before the door to his room, Jim makes his decision: he'll stay beside Bones and keep running with his best friend, wherever the trail leads them.

Yeah, he can do this.


	2. Chapter 2

He can't do this.

It's been less than a month since everything changed and Jim feels like he's coming out of his skin.

Angry, time-traveling Romulans bent on revenge. Half the 'Fleet's starships destroyed. Two thirds of his Academy classmates dead. An entire planet and over six billion peaceful people vanished into a black hole that may eventually consume the surrounding galaxy. The Federation rocked to its core and so desperate for leadership that they've agreed to hand the flagship over to a 25-year-old who was on the verge of being kicked out of the Academy.

And Bones won't stop _looking_ at him.

Whenever they're together, there is something in Bones's expression that threatens to drive Jim out of his mind. At first, he tells himself he's just seeing things, that it's just a result of the unprecedented crisis they've just survived. But while Jim's always been an excellent liar when it comes to other people (even Bones), he could never lie to himself.

He knows what that look means: Bones is in love with him.

In the two years since he made the decision to let Bones in, to walk beside him as his best friend, Jim has seen that look on the other man's face a few times and it became more frequent in the months before the attack on Vulcan. Before everything went to hell, Jim honestly believed they were about to change the nature of their relationship. Without ever discussing it, both men had been dating less frequently, preferring to spend their time together just talking or studying. Jim started to think that maybe he really could have it all, have Bones in every sense of the word.

Apparently, no matter the universe and no matter his age, Spock's raison d'etre is to fuck with Jim Kirk.

One bizarre and migraine-inducing mind meld later, Jim learned everything about an old Vulcan's well-meaning attempt to save a civilization and how it all went wrong. He learned how three very different people could become intrinsic to one another's lives and become the head, heart and soul that would guide a starship and its crew through countless dangers and come out safe on the other side.

And he learned he would die early and alone.

Hazy, second-hand images of the other McCoy fill his mind, face becoming more wrinkled, hair morphing from white-flecked brown to salt-and-pepper to pure white, each version accompanied by that beloved voice, roughening and weakening with age.

_Jim should be here. We should've been with him._

Decades of friendship compressed into nanoseconds via the meld, making it clear to Jim that Spock and McCoy had been relatively young when that other Kirk died. And since Jim was and is younger than both of them...

He only hopes he dies well, helping people, and not in some damned fool stunt, as Bones would say.

Bones...

Well, that decides it. Whether he's destined to die in a matter of a few years or a few decades, he refuses to be another person Leonard McCoy has loved and lost.

So, he lies like he never has before. Pretends he doesn't see the way Bones stares at him when he thinks Jim isn't looking. Pretends to be blissfully ignorant of the way the other man stands just a little too close for a little too long. He returns to his promiscuous ways under the guise of trying to enjoy himself as much as possible before they leave Earth and Jim begins the longest period of celibacy of his adult life. One thing he doesn't do is share all the lurid details with Bones the way he used to because that would just be cruel. 

Bones's expression changes subtly as Jim appears to be trying to set a record for the number of people one human male can have sex with. The love is still there, and the sadness that threatens to choke Jim every time he sees it. But underneath it all is a growing anger that reassures Jim that he's doing the right thing. Anger Jim can deal with and it will make it easier for Bones to move on.

\---

Once the Enterprise leaves Earth, their schedules are always packed, yet they manage to see each other every day, both professionally and socially. It has already become second nature for Jim to ignore the way Bones still looks at him, though the longing and affection in his gaze have dimmed. The realization guts Jim, but also strengthens his resolve, because if it hurts Bones this much already, imagine how much worse it will be if they're lovers when Jim dies?

With the 'Fleet so depleted, there's hardly time to breathe between missions, but even when things get dangerous – which was more often than Jim cares for – a year into his command, he hasn't lost a single crewmember. He knows it's bound to happen someday, but he'll do anything in his power to make sure that day comes later rather than sooner.

At first, Jim flatly refuses to allow Bones to accompany him to the surface of Nibiru. "I'm going down there to get a group of primitive beings away from an active volcano, probably by pissing them off enough to chase me."

"Which is exactly why you need someone with you," Bones replies, expression stony.

Jim would love the company, but still hates putting Bones in danger. "Just because they've barely discovered fire doesn't mean they're harmless. They've got _spears_."

"Which is exactly why you need _me_ with you," is all the other man says before turning and leaving Jim's ready room.

Jim is grateful Bones decides to leave before hearing Jim's reply because he feels certain the expression on his face would instantly undo the illusion of indifference he's been struggling to maintain for so long.


	3. Chapter 3

Fuck the Prime Directive. They came, they saw, they saved a civilization and Jim considers it a resounding success. When they're summoned back to Earth, the fact that Starfleet might have a problem with him..."violating" isn't strong enough a word...totally obliterating their founding principle doesn't even occur to him.

Mainly, he just wants to get off the damned ship for a few days. Between Spock cranking his "pissy bitch" attitude up to 11 and Bones's constant presence reminding him of what he'll never have, Jim just needs to get drunk and get laid. Preferably repeatedly.

Walking into his apartment always results in a momentary disconnect for Jim because even though it's technically his home, it feels more sterile than his quarters on the Enterprise. It's not big, but it is in an upscale building with a great view of San Francisco. There aren't many personal touches except a few holos and his antique turntable and records. He's only been gone for a couple of months and the place already smells of disuse and dust. He puts away a few groceries before hastily shedding his uniform, dumping it and his other laundry in the hamper, and heading off to shower. 

After an indulgent water shower and change of clothes, he heads to a nearby bar that's always been a sure bet for him due to the fact it's usually teeming with 'Fleet groupies. It doesn't take him long to zero on a pretty young Caitian female standing near the bar, her tail waiving in time with the beat of the music. They make eye contact and her smile widens. He can tell immediately that she recognizes him that she's interested. He makes a beeline for her, giving her his best "Hey there" grin when his comm rings. He pulls it out of his pocket in order to silence the damned thing, but stops when he sees the caller ID. 

Gesturing to the girl that he'll be right back, he holds the comm to his ear and makes his way to a slightly less noisy part of the bar. "Hey, Bones. What's up?"

"Where the hell are you, Jim?" Bones's familiar annoyance makes smile, despite the ache in his chest. He glances back towards the bar to see another Caitian female has joined the first one and they're both staring straight at him, their smiles bright.

Score. The more he looks, the more he realizes they look disturbingly alike and he hopes they're not sisters or something. He'll still have sex with them, but the idea of them kissing kind of creeps him out.

"Jim? You still there?" Bones's voice breaks into his thoughts and Jim waves at the girls again before turning around to focus on the call.

"Sorry, Bones, I'm at The Hub. You know what it gets like here. What's up?" He glances back at the girls and almost swallows his tongue as he sees them running their hands up and down each other's bodies while they continue to stare directly at him.

Please God, he thinks, don't let them be sisters.

Bones distracts him once more. "There's something we need to discuss."

The bottom falls out of Jim's stomach at those words said in that tone and he hunches over, putting his finger in is other ear to make sure he doesn't miss a word. "Can it wait, Bones? I've got plans tonight."

"I'd rather it not." Jim wonders if this is more professional than personal and feels like a heel when he realizes he's actually hoping it's a work problem.

"Did something happen with Medical? Is Boyce giving you trouble?" He's already mentally reviewing all the reports Bones had filed over the previous year and nothing is coming to him that would cause any problems with the powers that be at Starfleet Medical.

"This has nothing to do with the 'Fleet, Jim. This is about you and me and I've just decided I'm sick of waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and talk to me about it." Jim feels himself go cold. There's only one thing Bones could be referring to and it's the one thing Jim refuses to discuss.

Before he can respond, Bones cuts in. "I'll see you at The Hub in about 90 minutes."

"No, wait." Jim is in no way ready to have this conversation, and he needs far more time than Bones is giving him to try and figure out what he's going to do. "Honestly, Bones, I do have something going on tonight." He glances back at the girls and they raise their arms to beckon him to them. "Just give me tonight, please, and I'll meet you tomorrow at Brenda's and we'll fill up on cheesy grits." He thinks he sounds desperate, which he is.

There's a pause on the other end of the line long enough that Jim's wondering if they got cut off. He starts to pull the comm away from his ear to check when he hears Bones's voice.

"I'll tell you what. I'll get scrambles from Dottie's and meet you at your place at ten hundred." Jim breathes a sigh of relief at the reprieve, though he still has no idea what he's going to do when he's face-to-face with Bones tomorrow.

"Don't forget the sticky buns and you've got a deal," Jim replies, trying to sound upbeat.

"All right. Your place at ten." The line goes dead before Jim has another chance to respond. He stares at the comm for a moment, trying to decide what to do, but for once his mind offers up no daring plan that will get him out of his current predicament.

Deciding there's nothing he can do about it now, he puts the comm back in his pocket, puts on his most charming smile and turns his attention back to the Caitian girls writhing in each other's arms, their eyes still fixed on him.

"Ladies!" He says, opening his arms wide and they rush over to him, each fitting themselves snugly under his arms as if they'd done this a thousand times. "Hi," he says, his head swiveling from one upturned face to the other, "I'm Jim. Jim Kirk."

"We know, Captain" they respond in unison and Jim tries to distract himself from the lingering feeling of worry in his stomach with the feel of the girls' soft curves under his hands.

"Please, just Jim," he responds, "And you are...?"

"I'm M'tal," says the one on the right.

"I'm M'nel," responds the one on his left.

"And you're sisters?" At this point, he doesn't care if they're twins, he just wants to get them back to his place and try to get out of his own head for the night.

"We're cousins," says the M'tal, "but people say we could be twins." Both girls laugh, running their hands over Jim's torso.

Cousins he can deal with. "I have a serious question for you M'tal, M'nel," he nods to each in turn. He bows his head to be level with theirs and they move in close together, as if sharing a secret. "If I were to follow those spots," he whispers, glancing at the markings that run from the girls' foreheads and down their necks, "how far would I get?"

"Let's find out, Jim," M'tal replies as she lets Jim lead her and her cousin out of the bar.

It's a short cab ride to his building and he makes sure to tell the doorman that Dr. McCoy will be stopping by in the morning as he and the girls make their way through the lobby to the elevators.

Once inside, Jim shows the girls the view of the city lights from his balcony and the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance. He then heads over to his well-stocked bar, opens a bottle of Jack Daniels, and takes a healthy swig before returning his attention to the girls. "Cardassian Sunrises all right for you, ladies?" Jim asks, already assembling the ingredients for a pitcher's worth of the fruity-yet-powerful cocktails.

He plans on sticking with Mr. Daniels tonight, though, because he just wants to shut down his brain and enjoy the two lovely young beings who move inside and begin examining his antique record collection.

Filling two glasses, he takes the drinks over to the girls who have turned their attention to the old turntable. "My prized possession. Want to see how it works?"

\---

A dozen records and half a bottle of Jack later, Jim's shirt, shoes and socks have disappeared, along with his belt. M'tal and M'nel are in nothing but their underwear and Jim can see that their spots go all the way to their toes.

The three of them are grinding drunkenly to _Welcome to the Jungle_ , one girl riding each of his thighs as he palms their asses and tries not to giggle as the tips of their tails begin sliding under the waistband of his briefs.

M'tal – aka Pink for the color of her bra – pulls his head down for a hot, wet kiss and he has barely caught his breath before M'nel – aka Orange for her choice of undergarments – does the same.

Jim's just coming up for air as Axl screams "You're gonna die" and Jim agrees because before him stands Bones, his eyes wide and sad and disappointed.

For a panicked moment, Jim wonders if it's already morning, but a quick glance out the window shows it's still dark out. Apparently Bones is too impatient to even wait until morning and Jim quickly covers surprise with a wide smile.

"Bones!" The girls stop moving and turn their heads to where Bones stands by the front door. Jim glances at their faces and sees mirrored expressions of interest directed at his best friend.

Jim senses an opportunity to nip any potential relationship talk in the bud by reverting to his usual oblivious Lothario persona. Keeping his arms around the girls' waists, he walks them closer to where Bones still stands, his expression sour.

"Bones, this is," Jim glances to his left. Orange. "M'nel. And this is," glance to his right. Pink. "M'tal." Bones's expression goes blank as he looks between the three of them. "Ladies, this is Dr. Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer aboard the Enterprise." He crouches down slightly to bring his head leave with the girls' before saying in a stage whisper, "His hands are legendary."

"Doctor," the girls purr in unison, and Jim watches Bones's shoulders stiffen as he looks back and forth between Jim and the Caitians. 

"Ladies, why don't you pick out the next record?" He releases his hold on the girls as they both give McCoy a long head-to-toe look before going back to Jim's collection of LPs.

"What's up, Bones? I thought we were meeting tomorrow." Jim looks at the nearby clock. "Well, later today now, I guess." He sidles up to Bones as the other man watches the two girls chatting excitedly as they rifle through the stacks of records.

Bones seems to shake himself and turns his attention to Jim, eyes darting from Jim's bare feet to the open button on his jeans before turning his head and looking at the two scantily-clad girls on the other side of the room. His shoulders slump as he takes a deep breath and looks at Jim once more. "It's nothing, Jim. I was just...in the neighborhood." He shrugs as he lets the sentence fade out and looks back at the girls.

Jim's stomach is in knots at the defeat in Bones's voice, but he's determined to get Bones to move on and realize that it's better to not love Jim than love him and lose him.

This is for his own good.

Slapping Bones on the shoulder, Jim says, "Hey, why don't you join us?" Bones looks incredulous and Jim tilts his head in the direction of the two girls. "Never let it be said I never help you get a little tail." Wearing his best charming jackass grin, he bumps Bones's shoulder with his own.

Bones just closes his eyes and shakes his head. "Forget it, Jim. I shouldn't have come."

"Are you sure, Bones? I think the girls would be happy if you stayed," Jim replies.

"The girls, huh? What about you?" Bones seems to be looking everywhere but directly at Jim, for which he is grateful as his eyes widen and breath catches at the question.

Feigning nonchalance, he shrugs and looks back at the girls, who are giggling over the oddly-dressed man on the cover of his _Saturday Night Fever_ LP. "I asked, didn't I?" One of the girls, fuck if he cares which right now, holds up the album and he smiles and nods at her. "There are two of us, two of them and two beds. And I know you're not half the prude you pretend to be." He faces Bones again and turns up the smile wattage. "I've been to Risa with you, remember?"

"Yeah..." Bones nods, still not looking at Jim. "Nah, I'll just head home and leave you three to have your fun." He turns his attention to the girls. "M'nel, M'tal, it was a pleasure meeting you. Sorry to interrupt and you have a good evening." Jim notes that he has no trouble remembering which girl is which and feels another twist of guilt.

The girls wish him a disappointed-sounding goodnight and Bones nods in response as he heads to the door.

"See you at ten, Bones." Jim watches as Bones stops before the closed door, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed.

"I don't think so, Jim. I actually should put in some more time over at Medical tomorrow. You should just enjoy your day off." He raises his hand to the keypad to trigger the door mechanism.

As fearful as he was about tomorrow's conversation, he's orders of magnitude more frightened by the tone of defeat in Bones's voice. "But...you said you wanted to-"

"It doesn't matter anymore." Bones cuts him off, his voice low but forceful. His head is turned to the side, showing Jim his profile and still not making eye contact. "It's not important." He's gone before Jim can say another word.

Jim's first instinct is to run after him, but isn't this what he'd been trying to accomplish for years? To finally make Bones believe that Jim is only his friend, best friend, with no desire for anything more? He's hurt Bones, he knows it and feels like shit for doing this to him. But he knows it's the right thing to do. Just like he knows it was right to rescue Pike from the Narada and break the rules to save the Nibirans.

It's that knowledge of his own rightness that has kept his crew alive and unharmed through many dangerous missions and allowed him to succeed where so many others would fail.

But if this is another victory, why does he feel like he's just lost everything?

"Jiiiiim...what's a 'Bee Gee?'" The high-pitched voice cuts through his grief and he shakes himself, allowing the aura of cheerful womanizer to settle around him once more.

"Well..." Pink. "M'tal, let me tell you about the ancient musical style known as 'disco.'" He snags the bottle of Jack off a nearby table, taking a gulp as he walks back to the turntable, his smile so wide and brittle it feels as if his face will crack.

Hours later, both girls are purring their pleasure as he lays on his back while one rides his cock and the other straddles his face as he licks at her. Combined with the whiskey, it's almost enough to make him forget about the broken sound of Bones's voice as he walked out. But then one of the girls' tails pushes inside him, he comes, muffling the shout of Bones's name in the wet flesh against his lips.

He pretends to enjoy the afterglow, with a girl on either side of him, their hands and tails and mouths trying to encourage him to go for a third round. He begs off, claiming he'd had too much to drink, and the girls quickly fall asleep.

Jim lies awake until dawn, staring at the ceiling and trying to erase the image of hazel eyes full of pain and convince himself it's for the best.

END


End file.
